LOST: Pittsburgh Edition
HOUR 1: The plane creaks and groans as it drops out the sky, hitting the ground with a thunderous whump. I awake, disoriented (is that a dog licking my face?) what the hell is going on, where are we? Around me, an island of deserted space, my fellow travelers equally lost and disoriented. People are crying, disoriented, terrified. It's Pittsburgh, a voice reassures us.
HOUR 3: John, the man standing near in me in the line, is excited -- he has made an amazing discovery! John (who I don't trust, who may be carrying knives in his suitcase) has enlisted a young man further up the line to help him with his discovery. I think they're trying to keep it a secret, this thing. Not a thing, more of a hatch, really. When I finally get them to show it to me, it turns out to be the door to the men's room.
HOUR 4: The fat guy, Hubley, finds some food. The Middle Eastern electronics expert claims to have tortured people in his past, but I'm sure he just means while playing "World of Warcraft."
HOUR 6: The young ladies in line behind me, Kate and Claire, discuss their outfits for tomorrow. Kate insists that SHE is the lucky, for she has a change of underwear. "Life is always better with clean underwear," she says.
HOUR 7: Charlie finds some heroin in the model airplane in the terminal. Claire is concerned he will use it. John returns from his "Hatch" to announce that the airlines will be getting us hotel rooms.
HOUR 8: Something probably normal and boring happens with the two middle-aged lesbians, the douchebag in the red jacket, the 3 Pakistani programmers, the Australian businessmen, and the 24 other all white businesssmen on the flight. Also, Kate (who is really Kelly Kapour from "The Office") keeps talking about her underwear.
So I'm standing in the airport in Pittsburgh last night, thinking how sucktacular "LOST" would be if it was about normal people with normal lives. I'd wound up there after quite the day of travel.
The upshot:
-- at ORD by 10am
-- noon flight delayed to 130pm cst
-- board flight at 130pm cst
-- sit on tarmac until 4pm cst
-- flight departs
-- around 7pm est, flight begins to circle New York airspace
-- around 9pm est, flight runs out of gas for circling, is turning back to Pittsburgh
-- 10:30pm est, arrive Pittsburgh
-- 10:35pm est, stupid "LOST" fantasy plays out in my head, girls talk about their underwear
-- 11:15pm, arrive Best Western Green Tree, in south suburban Pittsburgh
-- no liquor, no food available
-- watch bad tv to 2pm est
-- up at 5am est
-- arrive Pittsburgh airport 630am est
-- board flight 8am est
-- sit on tarmac until 11am est
-- uneventful flight
-- arrive LGA 12:30pm est
-- having missed all meetings I was supposed to be in NYC for, I seek early return flight to chicago
-- none available
-- go to office, blah blah blah, work, "fuckthis", whatever
-- 445pm est, limo to airport arrives
-- back at LGA, waiting for 755pm est flight to chicago
-- current departure set for 845pm est
Did I mention I love travel? And LOST is pretty damn good.
HOUR 3: John, the man standing near in me in the line, is excited -- he has made an amazing discovery! John (who I don't trust, who may be carrying knives in his suitcase) has enlisted a young man further up the line to help him with his discovery. I think they're trying to keep it a secret, this thing. Not a thing, more of a hatch, really. When I finally get them to show it to me, it turns out to be the door to the men's room.
HOUR 4: The fat guy, Hubley, finds some food. The Middle Eastern electronics expert claims to have tortured people in his past, but I'm sure he just means while playing "World of Warcraft."
HOUR 6: The young ladies in line behind me, Kate and Claire, discuss their outfits for tomorrow. Kate insists that SHE is the lucky, for she has a change of underwear. "Life is always better with clean underwear," she says.
HOUR 7: Charlie finds some heroin in the model airplane in the terminal. Claire is concerned he will use it. John returns from his "Hatch" to announce that the airlines will be getting us hotel rooms.
HOUR 8: Something probably normal and boring happens with the two middle-aged lesbians, the douchebag in the red jacket, the 3 Pakistani programmers, the Australian businessmen, and the 24 other all white businesssmen on the flight. Also, Kate (who is really Kelly Kapour from "The Office") keeps talking about her underwear.
So I'm standing in the airport in Pittsburgh last night, thinking how sucktacular "LOST" would be if it was about normal people with normal lives. I'd wound up there after quite the day of travel.
The upshot:
-- at ORD by 10am
-- noon flight delayed to 130pm cst
-- board flight at 130pm cst
-- sit on tarmac until 4pm cst
-- flight departs
-- around 7pm est, flight begins to circle New York airspace
-- around 9pm est, flight runs out of gas for circling, is turning back to Pittsburgh
-- 10:30pm est, arrive Pittsburgh
-- 10:35pm est, stupid "LOST" fantasy plays out in my head, girls talk about their underwear
-- 11:15pm, arrive Best Western Green Tree, in south suburban Pittsburgh
-- no liquor, no food available
-- watch bad tv to 2pm est
-- up at 5am est
-- arrive Pittsburgh airport 630am est
-- board flight 8am est
-- sit on tarmac until 11am est
-- uneventful flight
-- arrive LGA 12:30pm est
-- having missed all meetings I was supposed to be in NYC for, I seek early return flight to chicago
-- none available
-- go to office, blah blah blah, work, "fuckthis", whatever
-- 445pm est, limo to airport arrives
-- back at LGA, waiting for 755pm est flight to chicago
-- current departure set for 845pm est
Did I mention I love travel? And LOST is pretty damn good.
posted by dave at 5:57 PM
2 Comments:
Sounds like a very wonderful trip my friend. Perhaps you should give up consulting and write for lost. Then you could tell me what the black smoke is. I have a feeling it comes from what they're cooking at Chili's To Go. Safe travels my friend...
Good use of the word "sucktacular." Take a bus it will be quicker.
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